User blog:THEJJRAT/K
This wasn't from Shamchat. This was from: https://steamcommunity.com/app/72850/discussions/0/485624149170786356/ All credit goes to me and the others who wrote there. At Earth-9021.... Suddenly, the Combine Empire arrived. However, we don't mean the Combine Empire as in the aliens from Half-Life, we mean the Combine Empire as in the nation of sentient farm-equipment led by Emperor Combine. The Half Life Combine arrived and found that somebody stole their name. They then started War War IV. The Half Life Combine were easily defeated as the Farm Equipment-Combine attempted to harvest the Half Life Combine, killing them instantly. With the Combine combining the Combine, they used what remained to fertilize the world, War or the Worlds style. There was only one man who could save them... J'Zargo! However, he was busy in the College of Winterhold. So the world was doomed. so lets just fast forward to the end times. However, being that the End Times was immediately after J'Zargo was conviently absent, we aren't really fast forwarding. The world had been reduced to compost, and people were being harvested like crops daily. Only now did J'zargo care to look up from his faulty flamecloak scroll to see the justice that needed to come by his paw. Or at least he would, if both of his paws weren't trapped under a combine. J'Zargo, who was able to cast enough fast healing spells off to save himself from being conmurderalized by the combine, knew he needed to escape the machine. But with the power of his skooma addiction, he regrew his missing limbs in a rather disgusting fashion. Since he hadn't got his paws back from under the Combine yet, he lost them again but it did give him time to. Specifically, they came back in as baby limbs. By the time he was free, he could only roll around like a sausage. But then the NERDs came to his rescue!Each one of the Nerds! agreed to donate a limb to help get J'Zargo back on his feet. They of course didn't donate their own limbs, but rather limbs they purchased from Riften's resident "arms" dealer. However, being that he was an "arms" dealer, he didn't sell legs. J'Zargo was left with an orcish arm, an argonian arm, and two dunmer arm-legs. J'Zargo immediatelty began gluing hair to his new limbs to make them seem more familiar. The rest of the NERDS! were left bald following this. He also ate the NERDS! for strength. He grew by 89 feet.Arniel Gane and Sergius Turranius were okay with this. Unfortunately, the Nerds! didn't go down well, and he wound up barfing them back up. He then shrunk back to his normal size, this resulted in a giant hole in the College of Winterhold. It seemed however, this was J'Zargo's plan. For, when the Combine began heading towards him and the NERDS! again, it fell through the hole to its "death." Now, they had time to prepare before confronting Emperor Combine and ending the End Times. Then the Epilogue Times came. It seems Emperor Combine had already ended the world. All of Nirn fell to his army of farm equipment and all the whole of Nirn became an endless sea of grain, simply begging to be harvested by the Combine. However, J'zargo and the NERDS! managed to escape to Secunda and began plotting on how to defeat Emperor Combine. They began training massive swarms of boll weevils.. It was a little known fact that farm equipment was boll weevil-blind. So they landed the boll-weevil army at Secunda's Kiss, and before the Combine knew what hit them, the Nerds! had secured themselves an enclave in the middle of Whiterun Hold. However, Emperor Combine was smarter than most farm-equipment and so began consulting with the Daedric Prince Mephala. She granted Emperor Combine the Ring of Khajiit, which he then used to sneak into the NERDS! enclave in Secunda's Kiss. And was viciously assaulted by Gollum, seeking his Precious. Gollum was soon turned into fertilizer Then Frodo and the Company turned up, determined to throw the Ring in the fires of Mount Doom. Little did Emperor Combine know, Frodo was actually J'Zargo and the Company was the NERDS! He did not know this, and prepared to sow their seeds among the fertile soil.However, J'Zargo, being a Khajiit (well, not including his limbs) could sense the Ring of Khajiit and where its wearer was, and ordered a swarm of boll weevils upon Emperor Combine. Suddenly the Sarlaac Pit appeared behind J'zargo, King Leonidas appeared in front of him, and shouted "THIS IS SPARTA!" Then kicked J'zargo into the Pit. Suddenly, a stormtrooper appeared and asked to become a faithful companion to J'Zargo. He was trapped for so long in the pit, and never had friends before. Zargo was dead from being kicked in the Sarlaac Pit by Leonidas. He also met Boba Fett, who was still very much alive but bored out of his wits. Then instantly died after that. The stormtrooper used his magics to revive both, and they found out that the sarlaac pit has a giant factory underneath it, and decide to explore the facility. They soon find out the Institute is there, making synths and recreating Commander Shepard. They must choose to help them, or help the Brotherhood of Steel paladins attacking them. This was decided for them when they nuked everything. However, the stormtrooper reversed time and destroyed the nuke while it was still in mid-air, saving the universe. However, this caused the universe to implode due to him time traveling to a period where he already existed. Shrek, tired of this dickery, uses his buttocks to save the universe. His buttocks is a black hole and doomed the universe yet again. Then Universe 2.0. (Earth-322020) was created. J'zargo, the facility, Boba Fett, and the stormtrooper had survived the switch to the new universe. Suddenly, Patrick Star appeared. Then disappeared. But for the brief moment he was there, he gave the three survivors (and their facility) the solution to rebuilding the shattered remains of their universe. All they had to do was...release Half Life 3. THEY WERE DOOMED''.'' They then tried to instead rebuild the universe pixel by pixel, which they did. This brought them back to Emperor Combine. J'Zargo, Boba Fett, the Magical Stormtrooper, and the Nerds! finally decided to stop fucking about and went back to confront Emperor Combine. Who had died of Mary Sue's Disease. With Emperor Combine dead, the heroes rejoiced for their hardfought victory! Two years later... One day a man was stuffing his face with mudcrabs. The mudcraps pinched off his face, leaving behind only a mass of facial muscles. His name was Joe, Patrick Joe Baby Bob. He loved himself some deep fried mudcrabs. But he accidentally fried and ate his own face, instead. So he started a company, Kentucky Fried Faces.Ronald McDonald was not happy at this, creating a war machine to destroy KFF. Which grew depressed and hanged itself. So he built a second, less suicidal war machine named D.C.M., the Dwarven Centurion Master. Realizing he couldn't defend against D.C.M., Patrick Joe Baby Bob decided to hire some mercs to defend his business: J'Zargo, Boba Fett, and the Magical Stormtrooper! The NERDS! were angered at J'Zargo's abandonment of them though. J'Zargo was ready to kick some ass, Magical Stormtrooper readying up his biotics like in the ending of that Mass Effect 2 trailer (that thane did). But then, D.C., the Dwarven Centurion showed up, having realized that someone was stealing his name. Patrick Joe Baby Bob wound up hiring him, too. Ronald McDonald sent in Benny Hill, and Yackety Sax started playing. The four mercenaries countered by sending in Monty Python against Benny Hill. Commander Shepard appeared, Patrick Joe Baby Bob hiring him as well. BUT THEY WERE AMBUSHED BY HAVEL THE ROCK! Ronald McDonald sent in every character from Twilight. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Z'jargo screamed, turning into a pile of dust. Magical Stormtrooper struggled to revive him, Shepard covering him. The sparklyness of the vampires wound up blinding Patrick Joe Baby Bob's mercenaries, and the Kentucky Fried Faces restaraunt was destroyed. J'Zargo was revived, but by then it was too late. Then Abraham Lincoln appeared! He was promptly ignored. Patrick Joe Baby Bob went into hiding, Ronald McDonald taking over the world and having the survivors beaten daily by homemade DIY geth. The mercs had to stop this. So they built a Snarch. So they made a bold plan to sneak into Ronald McDonald's death fortress in Des Plaines, Illinois and assassinate the evil clown. Suddenly, the Helghast Empire arrives, declaring war on Ronald McDonald's empire. This gave the mercs the perfect opportunity to get into the death fortress unseen. Then suddenly the Correctors came back from the Bahamas. "How could we do this?" Z'jargo asked. "My Normady can shrink itself. It has two death rays and nuclear bomb launchers attacked to it, can turn invisible, and has an unlimited supply of Pepsi." Shepard said. Naturally, they activated the most deadly weapon Shepard had abord the Normandy: the Pepsi! I mean, it was no Starbucks Coffe of Mass Destruction, but it would do the trick. He also sent out an army of Pepsiman clones, to kill Ronald's geth guards (sneakily). Garrus was sent out to snipe the geth snipers defending the fortress. Ronald McDonald did the fishstick. This defeated the first wave of Helghast soldiers. There were more to come, however. He came marching back to his fortress, giving the mercs a limited time to take their places and kill him.Boba Fett flew up to the top of the throne room, while the rest of them hid behind pillars, waiting for Ronald to arrive. Then was eaten by the Sarlaac Pit monster, which had a vendetta against Boba. "Status report." Shepard asked, sitting on his little ship chair and speaking to the mercs via earpiece. "We lost contact with Boba." Magical Stormtrooper replied, sneaking into the throne room to see what was happening. Magical Stormtrooper suddenly faced Obi-Wan. As this was just in time for Ronald McDonald to walk into the throne room and see the scene unfolding within. The final battle commenced! But then, Boba Fett managed to shoot his way out of the gaping maw of the Sarlaac Pit monster, which, by the way, was simply called the Sarlaac.Sarlaac was finally defeated, exploding in a goopy goo. They struggled to clean this mess up before Ronald arrived. Back at Commander Shepard's pad, the terminal Mary Sue's Disease was creeping upon the mercenaries...They failed. As this was just in time for Ronald McDonald to walk into the throne room and see the scene unfolding within. The final battle commenced! __________________________ oh boy the wiki is probably gonna get 300+ pages from this Category:Blog posts